Bipolar? Or Certifiably Insane????
Wow, what an evening I have had, and it is only 6:00. I came to stay with my daughter, give her some love while she goes through tremendous grief. Her boyfriend broke up with her for the third time in three weeks. The only reason (I believe) that he went back with her was because she has stalked him every day. Healthy? Of course not. But nothing in this life with her is. She calls him non stop. We turned off her phone last week and went through a week of insane screaming, crying and hitting. The phone is back on, but she won’t leave him alone. We have tried talking to her, and she screams and rocks back and forth like you are sticking her with a hot poker.
I got a call earlier from his mother, telling me to please come now. She (my daughter) was supposed to be with a friend, but instead had lied and went to his house to announce that she was pregnant with his child. She is only in ninth grade. This is appaling to me. I don’t want to think that my child has been having sex. I want her to still be in Barbie-mode. This is the last straw. She is not pregnant, by the way, because I have had that under control. I never believed putting a child on birth control, but with her situation I never know from one day to the next where she was going to end up. Sad to say. But this is proof that I obviously needed to do it.
Next week I am putting her on a plane and taking her to a treatment center. I found a nice one, but it is far away. I will visit often, though. Even though she just screamed and told me she wanted me to die, I love her. That is all that matters. She will love me one day, I know she will. Right now she is too sick to love or understand.
What makes this happen? What happens in a little brain to short circuit it, to make a person so out of control? She cannot control her feelings; she smiles and laughs, wants ice cream and then starts yelling and pounding on walls. The transition is so fast these days. I personally think her doctor is worthless. Actually, all doctors are worthless. I have never been happy with any of her psychiatrists. They just prescribe meds, and when it doesn’t work, they up the dosage. The therapy is worthless, too. A pointless waste of money, because no one can ever make your child better. They just nod their head, baby talk you and ask you how it makes YOU feel. I am very cynical right now. I get to (once again) listen to her sob and sob so loud and heartbreaking. Years of sobbing. Years of heart wrenching sobs. You can feel the sanity draining in a puddle on the floor around her. Almost like a Dali painting, everything melting around, not quite right.
And you wonder.
Just like any parent of any child with any disability. Why me? Why her? Why, why, why? What happened and when did it happen? Could it have been prevented? Can I change the yelling she is doing at me actually right now? Telling me that she hates me and wants me to die and wishes that I were already dead? Can I change that? Could I have changed the moment when that little minute synapse went off kilter? I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore. This has really thrown me sideways. I plan on making this better. It can’t get any worse, right??
Right?
