November What???
It’s November already? Geez, time flies. I count time by the nightly phone calls that I have with my daughter. My days are filled with watching my niece and so time flies by; she is two months old and requires all of my time. But at 4 o’clock, when she is picked up, the timer begins. Decide what to make for dinner. Start dinner. My husband gets home, we eat and then I have an hour to do homework, all the while looking at the clock tick away until my phone time comes. I never know who it will be when she answers the phone. That is what sets me on edge. Will she be in a good mood and perhaps tell me about her day? Or will she hold me hostage on the phone, screaming about being there and being “shoved to the side because I don’t care”. Sometimes it is just begging to “go back to Washington”. It is very frustrating and the 15 minute call is very l-o-n-g.
Last Tuesday set my week up to fail. I picked her up to go to our weekly trauma therapy session. I was going to let her see her Dad over Halloween weekend. When she got into the car, however, I could see the light shining in her eyes. It was not a good day, and we had a 30 minute drive ahead of us. Oh, I want to be involved so bad, and at the same time it seems toxic when we are together. I know she would be better acting if I was not in the picture. But it cannot be that way. I am her mother and i will be there through thick and thin. I pray that one day she will understand. I was never around her to cause her pain; I was there to make sure that I did everything I could. Anyway, I digress (which I am very good at). She instantly started in on me about doing more and more and why can’t I just trust her and why can’t I just let her go? When she asks that, she means let her go forever. She believes that I should sign away my rights and let her walk away.
I cannot do that for obvious reasons. Reasons she does not understand. It is times like these that I fully understand her sickness. The fantasy world that she has built around her, it is scary. She screamed at me all of the way to the therapist and when we arrived, she would not get out of the car. It was pouring so hard, but he went out and talked to her through the window for about ten minutes before he convinced her to come in. Now, this is supposed to be trauma therapy, but every time we have gone he has had to calm her down just from the ride there with me. Ugh!
For the ride back, I had a special treat. I was scared that she was going to hit me or attack me so that we would run off of the road. It was kind of scary, I will say that. I decided then and there that she was not going to go to her Dad’s for the weekend; she was going to stay at the home to understand that she cannot talk to me or any elders like the way she talks. No respect, no responsibility at all for her behavior.
And so she stayed at the home. I went ahead and babysat my niece for Halloween, because I can never celebrate a holiday when I know that my daughter is not celebrating it. This is how it has been for the last few years now. I feel like I need to be on an even playing ground. It drives my husband crazy, but I am not changing that. It takes away a tiny bit of guilt that I carry seeing her like this. If only I had a confidant to help me through this sometimes. I have friends, of course, they are more than accommodating to listen if I need to talk. But I cannot fill their ears full of my pain when I am with them and it is supposed to be a celebration or party of sorts. You know? I am grateful that I have a few readers who write me and give me a push toward sanity. I thank you.
And so, Halloween came and went with no ripples or waves. I hid my head, like an ostrich in the ground. I am seeing my therapist this week and we are actually turning the conversation in a different direction. We are now going to deal with me, and me alone. How I feel about several things going on in my life. Whereas I usually am not excited to go and regale her with tales from the week before, maybe now we can start to work on the guilt that has taken over my very existence. The guilt that follows me from room to room, telling me that if I had just….maybe things would be different. Maybe she would be smiling; maybe she would be laughing and living and loving.
I just don’t know…Anyway, hope you all had a great Halloween and now we are full steam ahead into November. I will be watching that clock tick…
