Another Hill to Climb
Just when I felt that something good might come around; a new year is approaching, a new prayer is on my mind. I have had my daughter at this latest school for 5 months now, and she is showing improvement. I finally got to see her (sort of) go through her first dance. She firmly let me know that it was a “formal luncheon”, it just had a band and a dance floor attached to it. She was excited about it-I helped her pick out a nice outfit and she was excited. The dance went great. She had a great time, she danced with all kinds of boys and girls (or, young adults, I guess!) and they had a nice afternoon of food and fun. There have been only 3 blowups in the last 3 weeks, and only two of them were getting out of control. This is a far cry from days not so long ago. She is learning how to identify her anger. She is trying to learn how to deal with it, but of course there are times when she is in the red and cannot get away from it. This is to be expected.
I am in a different place right now. I want her to be able to go out in a normal school, I really feel that she is ready. I really do. But my best friend, my husband, could not feel more opposite than I do. And it is breaking us apart. We do not look at each other any more with anything other than two people who are at odds, at war with each other. He thinks she needs to stay where she is and that she is just lying to me and I am desperately believing it. I need her to venture out in order to see if she is learning anything at all, doesn’t that make sense? You don’t know you can ride a bike until you try. He thinks that if she goes back to live with my mom and returns to the school that she once went to, well, I am not sure what he is thinking. I almost think he is more mad because its personal. Like he is losing a battle or something. But this is not a win-lose game. It is not a game at all. She asked me very carefully and very heart to heart if she could try again, try and show me what she has learned. She knows that she has wound up in these places because of choices she has made. Well, I will never know if she learned anything if I do not let her try again. He sees this as betrayal. I think he is done with our marriage. It is cold here, so cold. Like I never really knew him. It feels like I am in a bad dream and I don’t know what to do. This really is happening. Every time he looks at me, the look is so x-ray like-like he is really seeing me for the first time and he does not like what he sees. It makes me feel dirty and not good enough. I do not feel love around him. Love stopped coming around here, you can feel it. I am in the weird position of having to choose between my daughter and my husband–how unreasonable and horrid is that???
He does not like when I make any decision with my mom about my daughter. He does not like my mom to be involved in her life. But she has always been involved, will always be involved. Especially when she can calm my daughter down better than me. For some reason, my daughter has always been better around my mom. He has decided that if my mom is going to allow her to live with her and go to school, then we should not be in their lives. Financially, or anything. I can’t do that. I am grateful that my mom wants to help me, but I am not turning my back-not on my daughter. For him, it is all or nothing. God, it hurts. He has no idea. He has no children of his own, he has no idea what it feels like to even go through something like this emotionally. I cannot even get him to understand. I am frustrated, scared and hurt. I want to make a decision with him, I really do. But his decisions would keep my daughter in a residential school for two more years. I can’t do that, I can’t! She can’t even come to our house without him and her blowing sky-high. And he goads her because he is so done with things, yet he wants total control. I don’t get it at all. Why would you want to make the rules, have control, but try your hardest to upset the person that needs to be micro managed and controlled? Don’t you think it would make more sense to want her to be calm? To try and acclimate her so that she is comfortable or has things to do? Instead, he mimics her, tells her no, keeps her from the teenage antics that she craves.
I don’t understand.
There is no love here. I don’t know if there ever was. The veil is lifting and it is a twisted, twisted world. I am in the middle of it and very scared. I don’t even know who I could talk to about it, because my best friend used to live in this house with me.
It may be important to try and look at this from a factual point of view. I realize that may be difficult because you are her mom, but with children of bipolar and borderline disorders, there is only black and white. From what I have read in your past entries, she has shown a trend to manipulate. It’s important not to forget that, despite what you want to believe as a mom.
The first paragraph of your post describes, what I believe, is a very normal sounding school experience. Yet, in your second paragraph, you talk about wanting her to have a ‘normal’ childhood. Aren’t school luncheons, dance, sports and other extra curricular activities considered ‘normal’? What more are you wanting to give her that she doesn’t already have? You have both worked so hard to get your daughter into a very safe and structured environment, where she is (by your own account) beginning to flourish.
I don’t believe your husband has a personal vendetta against you or your daughter. He may just be coming at this problem from a more logical, and less emotional, perspective. So my question to you is this:
Given all the progress your daughter has made and will continue to make, why remove her from a good thing and just throw her back into a situation that has never shown any signs of positive outcome?