Well, here we are going into spring. Finally. I believe the entire United States has been under a cold spell, even my friends in Southern Florida have been chilly. With this march into warmer weather came the end of my daughter’s stay at her residential home. She has moved in (once again) with my mother. In the old town they lived in before. It has started out decent, with both of them in a different state of mind. My daughter, for one, does not ever again want to go back to a residential home. She realizes that she has spent the last two years wasting time, mostly because of her attitude. Through alot of counseling, I think she has come to terms with a few things. In no way do I believe that everything is magically better, I will spend my whole life on ups and downs with her. But each day is one more day ahead than the day before, right? She is getting better at keeping her anger in check. She knows when she is getting mad and is able to verbalize it, which is awesome. Before, she would act out and hit either me, her grandmother or a wall. Now, she tells us that she is mad enough to hit the wall. That gives us enough time to deal with her, to try and get her mind of whatever problem is at hand. It is working with her and my mom. Now she still has some problems with me. She doesn’t come around, but we talk on the phone. She actually answers her phone when I call, which is a new thing. This past weekend she had to come stay with me because my mom was traveling for work. She was not happy about this and got pretty snippy with me. She does not transition well. We stuck to our guns, and once she was here, she was fine. We made pizza on Friday, went shopping and even went to visit my sister. This is stuff that she would never do before, so it was nice. I don’t know how long this will go on, but I am taking it while I can. She is also seeing a therapist where she lives and it is working out, too. She actually likes her, which is a first. I don’t know if you can feel my attitude just through text, but I am happier about it right now. I guess you could say we are climbing the hill right now. I hope it is a big hill, I would like to ride it up for awhile! I have had emails from mothers who have come across my blog and I read the pain they are going through. I want you to know that I hear you and I understand. It is nice to have a network, or just to be able to read what others are going through. We are not alone out there, even though door after door has been shut in our faces. You just pick yourself up and try another door. Another doctor. Another hospital. Another drug. It is mostly pain, with a little sun peaking through the clouds. I accepted a long time ago that my fairy tale of having the “perfect” daughter was not going to happen. But I hold on to a different dream now. She is moving on to 17 and maybe, just maybe, adulthood will be her specialty. Maybe college? Vocational school? Job? She may excel far beyond what we ever thought, or hoped she would. Hopefully she will prove me wrong. Right now I have been burned too many times. But I do know that deep down she has some amazing talents. She just needs to realize that using her talents would not be “giving in” to what I want. Hopefully she learns now that every decision she makes is for her future.
What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger..blah, blah, blah-right? It makes my husband mad to see me step and fetch for her when she is here, but these times are so few and far between, I want to hold on and savor every little smile or moment that I can. Time already went so fast, I feel robbed-like all mothers. But when I look back and most of the time has been negative, that is why I take any little form of love from her. I am sure you understand.
And so, for the time being, I have my daughter back in my life. I have her back in school. I have her in a therapy situation that she enjoys.
Let’s see how high the hill is before we come back down.